Are they twins? (Usually to kids dressed alike)
Are they identical? (One in blue, one in pink)
Better you than me (We're only given what we can handle)
We've heard them all...
I was avoiding laundry earlier today and happened on a post on Facebook about how rude people can be when they see those of us with multiples. The gal was at (insert place you go here) with her 3 kids, 5 and under. An (assumingly) older lady mentioned how the mom "has her hands full." While the mom commenter responded by explaining how "good" her kids are and thus not a handful. Now I ask you, is it rude to ask about or even mention how full your hands are?
I'm sorry, but even those of my multiple mom friends who pretend to have their acts together will admit to having their hands full now and then. Yes, we are ALL blessed. Our kids are joys. Our kids are loving. Our kids make us proud. But let's face it, they are still KIDS! Being a mom isn't easy, being a mom to multiples can be backbreaking, terrifying, exhausting, troublesome, etc. It's also underappreciated work and a job that needs plenty of support. So when we meet those strangers full of questions, it may depend on if we're having a day of joy or a day of grief, as to how we view those questions and how we answer them. I actually categorize the questions/comments based on the asker.
Asking questions or making comments that state the obvious, such as having our hands full, being blessed, or how cute they are can be annoying, mostly in their repetition. The same can be said of the stranger who asks big brother/sister if he/she is a good helper. But, the stranger doesn't understand that she (it's ALWAYS a she) is the 234,765th person to ask or mention. In fact, I would say in my own life, that it's usually someone older, speaking from experience, and often thinking back to the days of having little ones at bay. The comment/question is not meant to be intrusive at all. She just misses those days or is thinking about how quickly the time went. To me, these questions are not rude at all, but my response can vary to just smiling or to unloading about how terrible my day has been!
Another round of questions usually comes from someone who may also mean well but has some sick fascination with multiples. Thanks to studies showing one in every thrity births is a twin birth, multiple moms are becoming less of a novlety, yet still a freak show. They ask questions that are very personal. Questions like "are they ALL yours?" Umm...no, they have dads in several states, some on parole! I personally was told, "I do hope you're able to be home with them." I wanted to tell her that "I do hope YOU'RE paying my bills." Worse than that are the very personal questions concerning the conception. They love to ask if the twins are "natural." I've seen shirts that say "have you seen an artifical twin?" While I fantasize about some day telling some sexual story about conception to shut someone up, I normally do answer the question, but leave out the "we weren't even trying and God has a sense of humor" bit. But, I know many of my friends are offended by the question and have no intention of sharing such details. Pregnant women often get this one even more often since the stranger can't yet ask questions about feeling blessed and so on. They also get comments about how big their bellies are, questions about how they will deliver, and my favorite, "DO YOU PLAN TO BREASTFEED?" Gee lady, can I just buy my groceries and get on with my day? These questions ARE rude and really don't need to be answered unless you want to. I say the next time someone touches a multiple mom's belly and asks "are they natural?" that the preggy should put her hands on the strangers boobs and ask the same! Take a stand, ladies!
The third category of questions is a combination of the two described above. I may speak for myself here, but considering the number of people I had approach me when I was pregnant, I highly doubt it. This stranger asks all types of questions concerning sleeping schedules, IVF, sore nipples, baby weights, you name it. She is the multiple mom or expectant multiple mom. And we don't mind these questions. We feel an instant bond with another multiple mom. And we want to help the preggie figure things about a bit sooner than we did. We love giving advice since we're sick of receiving it. These questions/comments are very personal, yet reasonable.
So if you're looking to ask a multiple mom something personal, be prepared for the dirty look, sarcastic response, and a reason for asking. And know, we've heard them all!
Have a great week!
Jenny
2 comments:
I made a decision to respond one of 2 ways when people say, "You sure have your hands full!" Because it can come with a bit of a tone, or attitude from some, and with a loving smile from an elderly woman. I say, "Full of Love!" and smile and keep corralling and walking, or "Yes I do! Thank you!" and keep corralling and walking. I want my children to know they aren't a burden, to me, even if they are a lot of work, so I try to always respond with a smile. Our children are listening.
They certainly ARE listening, something I don't always think about. Usually when mine are acting up and people find them cute, I say "yeah, they THINK they are." I'm glad most of the novelty for mine wore off at 2. I'm sure it would be worse if they were identical.
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